Comforting Others Through Grief: Don't Only Pray About It, Be About It!
“Grief is normal and natural.” Those were the words spoken by therapist Cynthia Lincke of Inspired Elevations as we talked about grieving our losses in life. Cynthia and I were chatting during our second episode of the monthly Leading in Life series on the Value What Matters Facebook page.
In this episode, we tackled the heart issue of “grief”–a topic that hit home. Cynthia and I have both lost loved ones as this pandemic continues, In fact, as we reflected on the topic, it occurred to us that there is perhaps no one left who has not been touched by the death of a loved one due to COVID-19. However, in addition to loss due to death, so much has happened to us as we have weathered this pandemic and just life over the last few years. I have been touched by the many stories of people all around the world as we live through this pandemic.
About Grief
I remember a few years ago, my family and I were hurting as we grappled with the loss of our Mom. This was not my birth mother; it was my mother-in-law. But “mom” is the word that best captures her. She was all hugs and kisses, presents and perfume, laughter and good times, birthday cakes and apple cobblers, holidays and cheer, grandchildren and treats — and we still miss her dearly. However, so much has happened since then that has reminded me not just about her but about how we can offer comfort to others dealing with their own grief moment.
As a professor of graduate students, I often get a peek into the windows of the lives of my students during their journey at my current university. These are individuals who all lead busy lives as spouses, parents, administrators, and professionals trying to juggle it all in the pursuit of higher education. Yet, even with so many balls in the air, sometimes the unexpected happens and every ball threatens to come crashing down on them, like it almost did for our family on November 13, 2013—the night mom passed away. I have been touched by the tenacity of these students and their families in the face of grief and loss.
Just recently. I learned of the sudden passing of one of dissertation advisees. We had been chatting via e-mail just the day before her death–making plans for the week ahead and then….. sigh. I think of her even now, and pray for her family members who are still dealing with this unexpected loss. My colleagues and I made a day trip just to be present at her memorial service to shake the hands of her loved ones and to give them a hug–to let them know that her passing had touched us too. It was a small gesture to be sure, but one we felt committed to make.
Comforting Others
As Cynthia and I reflected on the compounded effects of the many losses we are experiencing on multiple fronts during this time of uncertainty, it made me question my own response to others in moments of despair– death, loss, illness, and/or life challenges. How should I respond? How should we respond?
After mom died and we rode the mental and emotional roller coaster of having a loved one in ICU for almost a month, if there is one phrase my husband and I had grown weary of hearing it was this: “If there is anything I can do to help..? Though I am sure well intentioned, it was so cliché, so unanswerable—felt almost like a cop out, the thing to say, the path of least resistance. Likewise, while we did appreciate the prayers of friends, how much more meaningful was the food sent over in our time of grief, the advice from a close friend who traveled from Florida to be with us, to help us figure out how to break the news to our 4 and 6 year old daughters, the one who came to stay with our kids while we were at the hospital, and the friend who made the difficult journey with my husband to collect mom’s things.
As I reflect on the life of Jesus, it occurs to me that when confronted with the grief of others He did not just offer to pray about it, though that would have certainly been enough! Instead, we see Jesus traveling to Bethany to comfort two grieving sisters; we see him making breakfast for a boat full of weary fishermen. There He is on bended knee making mud with His own spittle and putting it on the eyes of a blind man, Can you see Him holding the hands of a little girl and saying the life giving words: ‘Little girl, Wake up!’ And then: “Get her something to eat?”
This world is filled with hurting people. While they can certainly use our prayers, they also need us to be the hands, the feet, the arms, the voice, the money, the gifts, the warmth, the care, the food, the time that gently and lovingly supports them through heartbreaking moments of grief.
Don’t only offer to pray about it—be about it
Live deep; laugh much.
I help individuals create space and develop habits and strategies to live a flourishing life — one goal at a time.